LADY HAWK DOWN!

So before I relate my near death experience catching and releasing a red tailed hawk, sparrow and beetle friend; I'd like to take in a moment and just BE ONLINE. Two weeks without Internet was fairly debilitating. I had to actually look up stuff in the PAPER phone book. I won't try to explain life without mapquest or google. In years past, I have truly thought becoming Momish (a Mormon-Amish) would be appealing, but I would absolutely have to be like a Tech Momish.

Any-hoo...

Life in Cheney is fantabulouso (that's the extent of my Spanich--my own dialect of Spanish). I've got to be a country girl at heart. Cities are romantic and fun and exciting, but the country...is breathe taking. In a good yoga-kum-bah-ya kinda way. We are thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks of summer and unscheduled unpacking agendas before school starts September 23rd. And then it shall come to pass that I shall learn.

Okay---I know you're panties are all in a bunch wanting to know about LADY HAWK (must say in raspy-hacker voice).

SO...

It all began when I noticed that we were being targeted by restless hobo spiders the first night we moved into our new place. Along with the hornet nests in the front and back porch overhangs. Fun times. Obviously, logic requires I seek genocide for these nasty buggers (no pun intended) as soon as inhumanely possible.

True Value has decided that they need to dedicate and entire aisle for genocide products of all ranging degrees of torture and even a few "capture and release friendly" items. I am not one to catch and release venomous-creepy-crawly-too-fast-and-small-to-know-exactly-where-they-are-at-all-times-on-my-body kind of person. When it comes to avoiding potentially fatal bites of any naturous thing, I seek a speedy trial and the death penalty without any jury.

Stop getting impatient...this is still entertaining!

So I purchased 3 sprays, 3 hornet traps and 2 packets of spider-stickem-pad-thingys that you put along doorways and under furniture and such. Being the genius that I am, I decided to barricade my front and back doors with 3 coats of spray and two pads right along the door jam so that these hobos would be caught before trespassing on my property. Of course it worked like an Italian charm bracelet and 3 were stuck and dead by morning. OH YEAH!! Bring it ON MR. HOBO SPIDER COMMANDO TASK FORCE UNIT.

Well...today...was sunny. I put my 2 locked up parakeets of 6 years out on our porch to enjoy the free frolicking birds around them like I usually do and didn't take the pads inside, thinking they've been out for almost 4 days and nights without issue. I did take note of a large black beetle on the trap behind the bird cage and felt sorry for the big-little guy and tried to take him off, but I tore off one of his legs in the process and then decided to leave him there (oh the guilt).

That afternoon I was putting my shoes out to dry--caused canvas shoes STINK after you've worn them all summer long and should be washed or tossed. And as I stepped out onto the porch I noticed something just in front of me, barely on the lawn. My brain hadn't totally caught up, when it started to freak out and try to get away from me.

It was a HAWK.

As I got closer I saw that its wing and leg were stuck to my hobo pad (that's definitely not something you'd want to say out loud in public). Of course I immediately crouched over and became the Hawk Whisperer, thinking I had some kind of ability to communicate with it and reassure it that he'd be okay if he'd let me help and not tear my hand apart. He continued to try to move away and I slowed my pace.

It was about this time I was in the sights of my neighbor who was narrating every moment in detail out loud to her family inside, not knowing I could hear her.

"Oh my gosh! There's a hawk out there! Something's wrong with it! Should I go help it? It's like stuck to something! OH--OH, there's our neighbor! She's walking toward it and trying help it! Should I ask her if she needs help? Hey, do you need help?"

"I don't know"

She was beside me in seconds with HUGE LEATHER gloves on. No, not me, I'm bare handin' it with a HAWK.

I was right next to him and she covered his head and back to calm him and then we noticed the other guy. A sparrow was looking at me like, "you're an idiot", but thanks for getting this hawk off the hobo pad to I can enjoy my beetle.

So the beetle, the sparrow and the hawk all think they're gonners. But we cut the hawks wing free (feather tips) and the leg came right off after that and he jumped up in the air and took off like an F-5 fighter plane, two exhaust trails swirling behind him. I took the sparrow inside and with a little soap and water, he was free. After about 2 hours in a dry box with raffia, he was dry and ready to fly.

The beetle didn't make it.

So the funny part is when I called my friend and I randomly told her that I caught a HAWK today. It was a great pick up line, I think I'll use again and again for my own entertainment purposes. But as always, Chrystina and I can never leave ANYTHING as is. We have this convulsive compulsion to catapult continuous conundrums up again and again.

I started the rant by informing my friend that the hobo pad was a must from now on in my 72 hour kit. Forget the MREs, fishing line, traps and guns. It's all hobo pad from here on out. We then discussed possible marketing ideas and product lines for the sportsman of the world. It was awesome! Cow pads, Deer pads, stationary fake waterfalls with sticky trap fish you can put in the middle of a field to lure and hunt bears, fake sticky wilderbeast pinatas for predator cats---you get the idea.

Anyway, that's the LONG DRAWN OUT story of LADY HAWK DOWN. The near death experience was the sparrow's, since the beetle was taken out and the HAWK ripped up the sky. Definitely an interesting day.

***by the way, so not joking about the hobo pads in my kit***

Hope the read was worth it.